It’s almost midnight here, and in a few hours, I hop on a plane and head to Reno, NV to play the Offbeat Music Festival for the 2nd year in a row. My team and I had an amazing time last year, and we were invited to come back and perform on the main stage this year, which is nothing but a blessing and more confirmation of Proverbs 18:16 (look it up if you’re not familiar 🤗).
For years, traveling was one of my favorite things about doing music. To me, music was, among other things, an excuse to travel. Being on planes would be stimulating enough for me to write new songs, get re-inspired by artists I knew well, and catch up on movies I had not yet seen.
But I need to be a little vulnerable for just a moment.
Traveling has become one of my least favorite things.
I hate leaving my kids.
Every time it’s time to head out, I internally wrestle with whether or not I’m a terrible parent for leaving, even if just for a couple of days. I wonder if I’m away too much, and reevaluate my future travel schedule in an attempt to either cut down, or bring the wife and boys with me.
Tonight is no different.
As I pack to leave, and watch my wife pack as well for an event she’s flying to right after I get back, I can’t help but feel this deep sense of guilt. The questions roll around in my head again and again; am I abandoning my boys? Are they properly developing or am I screwing them up? Should I really be doing this? Should I take a break from music for a few years? Am I missing out on their childhood?
And of course, all of this gets amplified even more when I play a show that doesn’t yield a good financial return, which happens more than you might think. But what I’ve learned in the last few years of this constant tussle is that it’s not a bad thing that I am asking any of those questions.
It’s actually a good thing.
Some of the answers may actually be unfavorable for me; in which case, I would need to course correct. I grow weary of the ‘influencer’ message that says, “you’re enough! Stop feeling guilty! You have to do what you need to do for your career!”
No. I most certainly am not enough. Sometimes, I feel guilty because I am guilty. And my career is not everything and can definitely take a backseat if it’s negatively affecting my household.
To truly and fully embrace the notion that I am somehow enough is to sweep away any mistakes that I do need to be held accountable to. It also sweeps away the notion that I need something or someone bigger than myself to be both my anchor and lighthouse in this vast turbulent ocean we call life.
Think about it. If I’m on a ship, and I need to bring that ship to a stop, do I throw an anchor down, or do I say “I don’t need an anchor! I am enough!”?
If I’m on a ship that’s been tossed by the storm and waves, and I see a lighthouse, do I try to get to the lighthouse for shelter, or do I say “I don’t need a lighthouse. I am enough!”
Hell no.
Then why do we proliferate this message to those navigating their lives? It is ok to admit that we, in ourselves, are not enough. We need help. We need sharpening (Proverbs 27:17). We need our blindspots covered. We need friends to help us get an accurate view of ourselves.
We need God.
If we were enough, we wouldn’t need any type of companionship, let alone with the Father. So I understand those who don’t believe in or respect God to hold this humanist view. But for us who walk in the light, we cannot afford to think this way, for it will be our undoing. We’ll hurt ourselves and the people we love, and not even care. I may not feel good knowing I’m not being a good parent, but you know who probably has it worse? The child. I can either try to shift blame away from myself in the name of self-empowerment, or get over myself and improve the areas I need to improve for the sake of my kids.
So, here I am; packing, praying, writing, and thinking about how to better balance all of this for next year.
All that said, the answer could also be that you’re doing a great job and you’re just feeling guilty because that’s what good parents feel sometimes. 🙂
But you’ll never know if you don’t ask.