Last night, I was finally able to accomplish something after 3 years of foiled attempts. Last night, I hosted a concert in New York City for my birthday. I will share pictures in the next post.
Though my birthday is today, we celebrated part of it last night. My wife flew up for it as well, and we are currently in the air headed back home to celebrate it with our little boys.
I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful to be married to the woman I am married to. I’m grateful for my two beautiful sons whom I have the privilege of raising. And I’m grateful I get to do music with such incredible artists and performers.
Though on the Hebrew calendar, my birthday is just before Rosh Hashanah, the day I was born is couched in the High Holy Days, so I see my birthday as a real new beginning, and this year even more so for many reasons I won’t elucidate now, but I would like to tell a story.
This year marks 16 years since my 16th birthday, and that is significant to me because when I was 16, I had been struggling with pornography for a little over a year and had told no one. One day, my big family and I shopped at Ikea, and we took two cars, our big red van, and my dad’s Volvo. My older sister drove the Volvo with me and one of my younger sisters in it. As we were all driving back home on the freeway, the brake line broke, and one of the tires blew and the Volvo had no way of stopping. The three of us in the Volvo were terrified, but my older sister managed to get the car to the exit and onto gravel where it slowed down enough to stop. Miraculously, we did not hit anyone or anything.
Once we pulled off to the side, my parents turned around and came back to us in the van. My dad and I waited together for the pickup truck as my mom and sisters went home. In that time, my dad showed me how to replace a tire, and then we waited.
I remember it being kind of silent, which was not what I expected in this type of situation with my dad. Usually he had something to share with me. The silence began to become deafening to me until I just came out and told him. I told my dad about my pornography addiction. He stayed quiet, listened to me, thanked me for telling him, and then offered me words of encouragement. We talked a little more, and then immediately after that, I knew why our lives had to be disrupted for that time.
Fast forward to today, I wish I could say I have completely rid myself of that addiction. I have not. It is something I continue to battle. One of the reasons I am taking a break from most other social media is because it has often served as a sort of temptation/gateway. That decision along with many others over the past few years has definitely put me in a much more winning position than how I used to live my life not just in terms of resisting urges, but in terms of not even having the urge in the first place. My entire mindset has changed since unplugging, and I intend to keep it this way, the Lord helping me. I believe that most of what we are so accustomed to actually feed the monsters in our lives. We want the monsters to go away, but we keep unknowingly feeding them, and we wonder why they’re so strong. I have to starve my addictions, but more importantly, feed myself with good things. G-d’s Word, my family, time in prayer and worship. These things fill the void that I’ve so often tried to fill with meaningless things.
As I reflect on this second set of 16 years, I see that this journey I’m on, though very much upward, is progressing, and progressing well. I can’t say I want to change and not remove things that are hindering that change. None of us can.
I hope this moment of vulnerability is not off-putting. Just want to share and encourage that battles really can be won, if we’re willing to do what needs to be done.
Thank G-d, this has been an amazing season, and I am very excited for what more is in store. I was made for more. We all were made for more.
Let’s strive for more.
Thank you for the birthday wishes.
Shana Tova~ 🍎 🍯
So beautiful and vulnerable, thank you for trusting us! Who among us doesn't have demons, addictions, bad habits? Only the strongest can admit them. Even spreading rumors or speaking badly about someone is low. You lift us up, Joshua.